


Back To December

by KazOfScotland



Series: KCAWS 30 Days of Winter Writing 2021 [23]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 30 Days of Winter Writing, Azkaban, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Heartbreak, Keep Calm and Write Something, M/M, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29094759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KazOfScotland/pseuds/KazOfScotland
Summary: With time Remus grew to regret his reaction when he had seen Sirius in Azkaban. With time he calm to realise just how much he loved Sirius. With time Remus had began to wish that he could go back to that December day and take it all back. And that was only cemented when Sirius escaped.AKA Remus has regrets and this is why Sirius never went to him as soon as he got out of Azkaban.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: KCAWS 30 Days of Winter Writing 2021 [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111565
Kudos: 8
Collections: 30 Days of Winter Writing





	Back To December

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Keep Calm and Write Something 30 Days of Winter Writing Prompt: Back to December by Taylor Swift

His love, his life, his best friends, his confidant, his everything. They were all taken from him on Halloween night in 1981. But his love and his life, he was taken from him once and for all in December of 1981. He doesn’t know who was it that organised everything. He didn’t know how he got permission to visit Sirius, especially seeing as there was no trial. It was open and shut according to the ministry and he deserved no chance to defend his actions. 

He stood in front of the man that he loved inside the darkest and saddest place on earth. The place where there was no hope, no chance of a happy ending. And he made it worse for him. It had never been his intention to make it worse, to make him suffer. But he had taken one look at Sirius and his ability to think through what he was saying was gone. He stopped thinking it through there and then. 

He called him a murderer. He said that he was no better than Voldemort. He called him a traitor. He said that he had no right to call James or Lily or Harry his family. He called him a complete bastard. He threw every insult he could think of at him. 

And all Sirius did was stand there and look at him with love in his eyes. His love, his life. He just looked at him with eyes full of love whilst he teared him to threads. It was as if Sirius was giving him an outlet, giving him somewhere to leave the burden of his grief. Sirius, who was suffering himself, took on the burden of his grief as well as everything else, and he never said anything. He never asked for forgiveness. 

He yelled and yelled at him. Until eventually Moody placed a hand on his arm and steered him towards the door. It was time to go. It was time to try and start afresh. It was time to move on and forget everything that had happened between him and Sirius. 

But it was one of his worst regrets. That night back in December of 1981, that night when he had last set eyes on Sirius, that night haunted him. He regretted the fact that he had walked out of Azkaban and left Sirius there with little more than insults and a broken ‘goodbye’ from the criminal. He had realised afterwards, after he had spent weeks in a drunken stupor that whilst he had missed everyone that he had lost, that he had really loved Sirius. 

It wasn’t a simple love. It wasn’t a love that could come and go. No it was a love that was only once in a lifetime. It was the love that you only experienced when you met your true love. The person that you would forever love and never be able to replace. And that realisation, that just made everything so much worse for him. 

But that was the selfish part of him. He was only really concerned with how his actions had broken him. He hadn't considered the way it had affected Sirius. He never tried to find out. All he had thought about was how he wanted to go back to December. He wanted to go back to that December night in 1981, and take back every single thing that he had said. He just wanted Sirius to forgive him and return his love. 

He wanted to take everything back, and go back to the way that they had been before everything had gone wrong. He wanted their relationship back. He just didn’t care what type of relationship, whether it was their love or their friendship. He just wanted Sirius. And he couldn't help but wish that he had listened to Sirius and let him defend himself. 

But he couldn’t fix it. It wasn’t that he didn't know how. It was that he would never have a chance to. He would never see Sirius again, but he couldn’t stop himself from hoping that one day he would get to apologise. All he could do whilst wishing was make sure that he made sure that everything that Sirius loved most was protected. And so he found himself on the Hogwarts express twelve years after he had last seen Sirius. His heart was broken, but for a whole different reason. 

The thing that Sirius loved most was his godson, Harry, and that was who Remus was sitting beside. He had broken the werewolves heart because he brought back all of his memories of Sirius and James and Lily. He looked every part like James, but his eyes, his eyes were like Lily’s. The only difference was they didn’t hold that protective, sibling-like love aimed at him the way Lily’s had. 

He couldn’t go back to that December, no matter how much he wanted to. And as much as he wanted to apologise to Sirius, it was clear to him that his former lover wanted nothing to do with him. If he had still been important to Sirius, then the escaped criminal would have come to him once had escaped from Azkaban. But he hadn’t. 

So when Dumbledore had offered him the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor for the year he had known that it was his chance to make up for some of the words that he had screamed at Sirius. He might not be able to see the man himself, but he would look over Harry. He would stop harm from coming to him, even if it meant stopping Sirius. 

Afterall, everyone thought that Sirius was after Harry. So if he had to stand between Harry and Sirius one day, well he would have done his job and Sirius would have gotten his revenge. That was all he could hope for. That even if he couldn’t take back his actions, he could be made to pay for them. 

Back to December. Back to that night to take back what he had said. That was a dream. But he knew he had made a mistake. His one true love was gone forever and always now. And it was his own fault. 

  
  



End file.
